PND

I wish I had been warned. Why aren't women warned? Would it have made a difference? Could I have been more prepared? There was a vague mentioned of 'baby blues', but nothing that could prepare me for the absolute shock of becoming a mother. 

Or should the happily pregnant just enjoy the anticipation without more worry?

I'm talking about post natal depression. Being a new, first timer, alone with a tiny, needy, fragile baby. Your baby. Your responsibility. That terrible feeling of, 'Oh my God, what the fuck have I done?' Of being trapped and frustrated and confused and angry. Of wanting to just walk away. Of wanting my old life back. Of grieving for our old just-the-two-of-us relationship. The insanely strong feelings of love combined with confusion, frustration, tiredness and guilt.

I think had a mild case of it with my first. It lasted for about ten months, maybe longer. I can't really remember when the fog lifted. It just did. By the time Miss L was born I was myself again.

Reading Eleanor Limprecht's book,'What Was Left' has brought it all back to me. I haven't finished the story yet, but I'm really enjoying it. I can really relate to the main character and understand a lot of what she feels... I'd recommend the book to anyone who struggled a bit in those early, lonely days of motherhood.

Looking back at photos and videos of that time, still fill me with an uncomfortable sense of dread. Guilt that I didn't just relax and enjoy my sweet baby more. Pity for my sad, sorry, tired, zombie-like self. And a overwhelming relief that I got through it. 

As I have said before, I thank my dear Mr S for getting me through. It was just the two of us in a new country, in a new city, in a new apartment, with no family or support. At all. Never. No one to call on. No one to take the baby for an hour or two. Just us. I can't imagine what it must have been like for him. Coming home from a new job, to a wreck of a wife and a little needy baby. But we did it. Together we got through and I'm proud of the job we've done. I guess as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 

What was Left by Eleanor Limprecht 

middle aged madness

I've just finished a booked called Mutton by India Knight. I really enjoyed it and must admit to giggling quite a few times whilst reading. It's a story of a 46 year old divorced mother of three who starts to question what's 'age appropriate' when you're in your 40s. I am a little embarrassed at how much I related to this book, which is essentially an honest exploration of what it means to be a female hitting 'middle age' and what happens when the builders stop whistling at you, lines start to appear on your face and you start to question what you can wear so that you still look cool without being 'mutton'.

This book resonated with me because it's a strange phase of life that I'm currently journeying into. I'm not really 'young' anymore, and while I'm totally okay with that, I am actually quite content and happy with myself, I don't want to be 'old'.  At some point in the next decade, no matter how fit and healthy, I will cross that line of looking middle aged, and I admit I don't like the prospect of becoming invisible. But then again I don't want to become obsessed with looking great no matter what cost. 

Once again, as always, it's all about balance isn't it? About being happy with yourself and surrounding yourself with honest, like minded people who 'get' you and your quirks and just enjoy the here and now and making the most of what you have.

a wandering mind...

I have often said that I think like a man. I do think it's true. I'm not saying that I'm masculine, I'm just not that girlie. Or sensitive. And, I admit, my mind wanders to sex, or rude bits an awful lot. Not because I'm a nympho, I just find it constantly fascinating and I have a visual mind. I see something and my mind tells me what it looks like. I make no apologies.

I've just finished reading a book by Australian writer, John Dale, called Leaving Suzie Pye. The main character and I had a lot in common. Under achievers who just thought we'd magically 'do well' with no input. He saw sex related things in everything too. I guess it's just the way some of us are made.

Come on, admit it. I'm not the only one!

lover, husband, father, monster (review)

I've just finished reading a book from the library.  The title intrigued me, so I thought it'd be worth a read.  Lover, Husband, Father Monster is written in two parts, by a real husband and wife team, Else and Graeme Johnstone.  An interesting concept... She writes 'her' story.  He writes 'his story'.  Of an affair. Started when an old uni relationship is rekindled years later through Facebook, set mainly in Dublin.  

I must admit, initially I struggled to get into 'her' story.  It felt like I was catching up with a friend that I hadn't seen for years and I was getting a bit bored and hoping she'd hurry up and get to the interesting bits.  So I skimmed, then I got hooked and it did indeed get interesting.  'His' story even more so, because I prefer to read about people who are different to me, to get an insight into how another person thinks and feels.  I liked getting both sides of a story.  A bit like being a therapist and getting the truth from both sides.

It's a depressingly realistic story.  An ill suited couple destined to fail, children caught in the middle. It's sad and real and honest. A story that I really need to discuss with someone who has also read it, because things happen in the book that are similar to things that have happened recently (in the news) and it does my head in to think how people can do the things they do, how twisted minds can get.  

Consequences. Love. Hate. Control. Processions. I can't say anymore because I don't want to ruin the story and it's conclusion for anyone who might read it...

Would I recommend it?  Yes, definitely.

caught on camera...

I've just finished reading Testimony by Anita Shreve. The story is told by various characters whose lives have been impacted, in some way, by a foursome caught on video at an elite private school, one of whom is underage. I enjoyed the book, it was an easy read and I found the subject, not challenging at all, but quite thought provoking. It raised questions about how something can snowball and become far bigger and far more damaging that it ever should be.

Teenagers, drinking, experimentation and sex. No amount of education and preaching is ever going to stop it. It's human nature to be curious and need to try things. To find out who you are... We have all done it. But the thing I do find scary, that is highlighted in the book, is that nowadays it can get caught on camera and subsequently uploaded onto the Internet, Facebook or whatever. The thought makes me shudder. I'm sure we've all done things we're not proud of, stupid acts or even fun things that you just don't want broadcast, but thankfully they can remain as just embarrassing (or pleasurable but secret) memories.

I didn't think too much as a teenager about what I was doing or the consequences. I was wrapped up in just having fun. Sometimes the more risqué or seedy the better. I didn't consider risks or feelings at all. And if drink was involved then it was a case of 'anything goes'. Easily discarded blurred photos where about as bad as any 'evidence' got.

I can't imagine how awful it would be to have footage of some of these events. To have parents, peers and strangers watch things that should be private.The fact is when you watch things, you can't help make a judgement on the people involved. But sometimes, like in this story, there can be a back story, an explanation that can somehow justify the actions, or it should simply just remain private act between willing participants.

I'm sure most of us have seen the excruciating Paris Hilton sex tape. It's not erotic at all and to be honest I wish I hadn't seen it. Not cause I'm a prude, but, I was just so embarrassed for her. She wasn't enjoying it, it wasn't about her pleasure, it was obviously not meant to be seen.  She must have been mortified when the tape first surfaced.  Not that it really did her any harm.  Any fame is good nowadays right?

It's my kids that I feel for.  I hope they get go through their teenage years unscathed by anything that could change the course of their lives...

book review 50 Shades of Grey

Is there anything better, on a grey, miserable, rainy afternoon, than settling down with a good book and a cup of coffee (well apart from a bit of umm...)? Well, that's what I did today and what can I say...

NOOOO! I finished 50 Shades of Grey and I need more, I can't just stop now! I devoured this book and have to admit I loved it, I got totally hooked. I need book two (Fifty Shades Darker)!!!

Yes, it's cliched and predictable and at times eye-rollingly corny (yes, I can do it too Christian!), making me laugh with lines like, "I gasp, and I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, and he's the serpent, and I cannot resist". But it's the perfect, fun, easy, un-challenging read. It's not out to make a point, or make you question anything, it just takes you along on an enjoyable ride.

But, it's hardly the 'mummy porn' I was expecting. Yes, there is sex, but it's not graphic porn, just two passionate lovers embarking on the start of an affair. There is far more actual 'story' than your normal run-of-the-mill erotic novel.

There is nothing particularly original about this book either, I have read numerous versions of this story (gorgeous, obscenely rich, but wounded, troubled man/Arab Sheik, meets young, innocent 'why me' girl next door, who tries to uncover his secrets and find happy ever after), but I really liked the main character, Ana (although her constant 'inner godess' references got on my tits a bit). She's normal and not a weak, silly sap. Christian is a tad annoying and he did give me the creeps with the stalker thing, but who cares - as I said this book it just to be enjoyed, not analysed.

So should you read it? Absolutely! I can't wait to get started on book two, I'll be going out to buy it tomorrow! Tip - this book is better read in book format - not on an iPad/e-reader.

Finished! 

book review... With My Body



Download at iTunes,
or buy a hard copy, if you can find a book shop...

I've just finished reading Nikki Gemmell's 
With My Body. I had high expectations, as the much anticipated follow up to A Bride Striped Bare.  Umm. It's not quite. (BTW I found Nikki's The Book of Rapture really dull).


What can I say?  It's an enjoyable read, a sweet first love story, but not as intriguing or intense, or as original as A Bride Striped Bare. Rather than take me on a journey into someone else's life, I actually found it was very similar to parts of my own, so it almost felt too familiar and made me reflect on my experiences.  And at times, I admit I did skim read, as it gets a tad repetitive in the middle.  


Although beautifully written, the short lessons (chapters) make reading the story dis-jointed, rather than wanting to curl up and devour the book in one sitting, instead I found it just bumped along.

The book is essentially about a bored housewife based in the Cotswold's (in England), who reminisces about her upbringing in the bush (in Australia) and her teenage sexual awakening with an older, mysterious lover who teaches her the art of erotic pleasures, sex and submission, blah, blah, blah...  It's about who she was once, and who she turns into and her drive to get closure on some unfinished business so she can live an honest, true, fulfilled life again...

I'm guessing this was a tad autobiographical. I'd give it 3 out of 5 I think. As I said earlier, I prefer stories that allow me to see through someone else's eyes, I like to feel and think from a different point of view.  And although the characters in this book are very different to me, the older man teacher/lover thing - well, haven't we all been there? I just think it's been done before.

From inexperienced school boys to the world of older men who can't believe their luck and who totally make the most of 'teaching' young, peachy, passionate, eager play things all the tricks of the trade? As a teenager, I was well aware of the power I had over older men. It was surprisingly easy to wrap grown men (who should have know better) round my little finger... Rather than become wounded and hurt, I was empowered by it and yes it was lots of fun. I'd do it all over again. 

As for the bored, ageing, mid-life crisis housewife thing.  I get it.  It's life. The answer - honesty, compromise, communication and managing your expectations. 


So... yes, In My Skin is worth a read, just don't expect to be blown away.