Wakey wakey!

I'm struggling this morning. I feel like I'm moving slowly through a dark, narrow tunnel towards the light. So I need coffee and quiet. It's a beautiful day, so I need to wake up. Come on, chop chop!

I had one of those horrible, vivid dreams last night. I woke up with a start, heart pounding in my chest, a cold shiver. I dreamt a group of teenagers were trying to get into the house. They were running around outside and I was trying to find my phone to call the police. I felt panic and fear, and then one of the 'gang' a dark haired stocky bloke grabbed me. I tried to scream, scream for the kids to stay upstairs, scream for Mr S to phone the police, but as always in dreams, I could only manage a pathetic, croaky whisper. I was in the kitchen and I just reached out, grabbed a knife and stuck it into the blokes throat. The thing I remember most is the feeling of inserting the blade, just beside the jaw bone, and not pressing too deep. Repulsed at the ease of it and the release of dark blood. I just wanted the gang gone. I didn't want to really hurt him. I just held the knife in and tried to walk him to the door, to push him out. That's when I woke up. Ugh.

break-ups

I’m reading a book at the moment about a marriage breakdown (review to follow soon). It’s obviously triggered my subconscious, because I’ve been having strange dreams. From time to time I have dreams about the bloke I used to live with. They are uncomfortable dreams and I always wake up feeling anxious and horrible.

We were together for four years and had a very messy break-up. I won’t go into the gory details, but in short, he was a lot older, I’d had enough and left (for someone my own age). He had a breakdown and became a stalker, even following me to Hong Kong.. In hindsight I should have got a restraining order, but I just dealt with it and tried to block it all out. But I regret never having had the chance to tell him to just f**k off, I never got real ‘closure’. At the time I didn't want to provoke him.  So instead, he haunts me in my dreams, it’s like I’ve been transported back in time. I’ve moved on, but he hasn’t and thinks we are still together. And I have to go through it all again. Trying to escape without him noticing. Going along with the pretense that we are together, while trying to convince everyone else to help me leave. It makes my skin crawl. I wish the dreams would stop. It take me a good couple of hours to shake the feeling of ‘him’.

It’s weird isn’t it, how you can really enjoy being with someone, share part of your life with them, know intimate details and preferences, then suddenly it all changes and revulsion sets in, a total distain and lack of respect. Ugh. Thank God I got out when I did. But do you know what – even though almost 15 years have passed, it still pisses me off that he couldn’t just accept the break-up with dignity and allow me to keep the happy memories of our time together. 

Right! I need to change the subject! It’s a beautiful day out there today. I’ll focus on that. Oh and the new pair of sparkly silver Diavolina slingbacks that I’ve got me eye on...