why I like to wear nice clothes (even though I don't always need to)

Me. two weeks into motherhood...my wardrobe of black.

I lost my identity a bit when I had my first baby. To be honest I didn't know what hit me. I was totally unprepared for how I felt. My husband and I were newly emigrated (from London) and in a strange city (Adelaide then Melbourne), where we had no friends, family or support network. I found myself alone and bewildered whilst my husband worked, trying to establish his career in this new home of ours.

I fell pregnant kind of by accident. I had to change pill brands when we arrived in Australia, and I took a two week break. Never thinking for a moment that I'd get pregnant. My husband and I had grand plans for our life here, that required two full time incomes so that we could indulge in our passion for scuba diving, eating out, saving up for a cool house by the sea and generally being a spontaneous couple in love. We had backpacked round Australia prior to moving here and were just so happy to be in this wonderful, sunny country...

After the shock of discovering I was pregnant (I was shocked, not necessarily happy shocked), I was pleased to discover how much I loved it. I felt fantastic and really did feel like I was blooming. I was nervous but excited at the prospect of being a mum, and I just thought I'd be fine. It didn't occur to me that I might struggle.

But once my perfect little boy was born, I was overwhelmed by how unprepared I was for motherhood, I felt adrift and confused and just stopped being 'me'. I missed my husband, I grieved for our old life, I resented having to give every waking moment to someone else. Of course I loved my baby, I just couldn't juggle it all, and I felt guilty. I missed my mum and having someone close by to help me. This resulted in me looking awful too. For the first time ever, I didn't even think about how I looked. I have never been high maintenance or vain, I'm very average, but I had always loved clothes and shoes. I just stopped going out. I didn't relate to any of the perfect mothers group mums and I allowed myself to wallow in feeling and looking like crap. I swapped my heels for cheap trainers (!) and thongs, and forgot about the old me, I resigned myself to drab. Looking back at photos of those days now, still fills me with such a rush of confused emotion.

A couple of years later, we moved to Queensland. I had number two, our sweet little girl and amazingly, I felt better! I found I could do it all second time round and everything seemed easier, I was getting back some control and order. I made some real friends and the cloud slowly started to lift. But it wasn't until I started work again that I suddenly 'found' my old self again. I can't tell you how wonderful it felt (this is sad I know) to have a reason to put on a smart dress and pair of heels. It gave me a reason to get up in the morning (other than the kids and the normal routine).

I have now been working, part time, as a Media Manager for a local ad agency (working around the kids) for over five years now, and I still love it. Sometimes I consider getting a 'proper job' full time, but we'll see... For now, I have this blog to work on, and it's something just for me. The old me. It's not about family, or my kids, it's just light hearted fluff, passing comments that I make to myself. I don't really give a shit if anyone reads it or not. Besides, it gives me a legitimate reason to look at boobs...